I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
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Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze