Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*