Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
You Might Also Like
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.