I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
You Might Also Like
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.