“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Hey I worked for it too!