*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”