HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.