If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.