sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I think they could have phrased this better
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.