Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.