Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Happens to everyone.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies