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Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like