Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
You Might Also Like
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My dream job is getting paid to dream
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Every time my phone rings