When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
you gotta be faster
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”