Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
How does one answer this?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Muppet Screams
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Saw online –
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door