Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget