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Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”