Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Ron is short for Aaronald
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?