I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
wtf is an acronym
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
The cashier just checked me out.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?