I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing