*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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Don’t frighten the programmers!
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
This will never not be funny to me.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in