If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
just pretend nothing happened
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.