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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.