[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.