8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
choose your fighter
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.