I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now