Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.