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Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist