ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.