[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
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The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me: