Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Interior design 👌
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
FINE, I WON’T.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*