I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Everything reminds me of my ex
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
True statement👍😏😁
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once