Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT