15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
asked my bf how work was today
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”