Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder