When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”