this is the best interaction on twitter
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours