Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
You Might Also Like
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Thanks to a fan for this one.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?