My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter