WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I have never related to anyone more.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.