In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
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don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Close call…
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
We’ve come full circle
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?