[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.