King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
True statement👍😏😁
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
my fav colour is also hitler
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.