All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to