I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
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“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
all bases covered
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference