How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love