I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.