The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*