If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Still a very good boi….
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
#have a #great #PancakeDay
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
prepare for carbonated trouble
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.