-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
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*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Birds & Planes.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread